Changing Your Marriage through Changing Your Conflict

The Prize | The Problem | The Solution

The Prize

What is the primary “Purpose/Reason” the Lord put you together as husband and wife? To experience and display the joyful, loving oneness between the Father, Son, and Spirit.   Your marriage is to be a visible display of the invisible delight that is taking place in the Trinity.

… “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness,

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.   Genesis1:26a, 27

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.  Genesis 2:24

Marriage was created to be a display case of joy, but too often marriages are filled disappointment and heartbreak.  Why? What’s one of the key stumbling blocks that prevents most marriages from experiencing the thrilling oneness that God intends every married couple to enjoy?


There’s more anger and conflict in homes than almost any other place on earth.

 The Problem

There’s more anger and conflict in homes than almost any other place on earth. But most couples don’t know how to handle their anger, frustrations, and disagreements in a way that leads to healing and growth instead of scars and damage.

Almost all couples only know of 2 ways of dealing with the anger & tension that surfaces in every marriage:

BLOWING UP, i.e. venting, expressing the hurt and disagreement intensely and aggressively.  Intimidating your spouse with your words and tone. Seeking to “win.” Creating an atmosphere of fear, control, and “non-subjects” …i.e. “You don’t want to go there because it will cost you!”

SHUTTING DOWN, i.e. suppressing, “eating it.”  Seeking to “avoid” the situation that needs to be talked through and resolved because it’s too painful and costly.  This eventually leads to resentment.

Your Problem is Not the Problem, It’s the Way You Handle the Problem, That’s the Problem

There is a better way.  A way to honor Him, each other, and restore oneness, peace, and joy even though you’re angry, upset, and frustrated.


The Solution

Agree to Disagree…AGREEABLY.  

What the flesh does is quite plain. …People become enemies and they fight; they become jealous, angry, and ambitious.

But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:19a, 20b, 22-23

By God’s grace agree to never attack one another again (and repent and seek forgiveness promptly if you do).  This is NOT an agreement to not become angry, but it IS an agreement to express your anger in a way that’s safe to hear about what has hurt you, made you angry, and frustrated.

If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.

Ephesians  4:25-26

DO express what you’re angry about.  DON’T express it in an angry tone that would harm the relationship.

THIS – CAN – BE – DONE!  The Holy Spirit is present, willing, and able to do a new thing in your home.  When you’re calm, say what’s really going on and what angers you with a tone and demeanor of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  THIS – CAN – BE – DONE!


The more difficult the topic, the more delicate your delivery needs to be.

For His honor and your joy…no longer express your anger in anger.  Express your anger in the fruit of the Spirit.

Anger, frustration, and disagreements are inevitable – strife and ill-will are not.

“Father, take us from where we are to where You want us to be.  By the power and presence of your Spirit, cause us to experience and display the joy that You, Jesus, and the Spirit have with one another.  Draw our family and others to You through the way you transform us.  In Jesus’ Name,  Amen.”

*** For further practical & effective tips on how to nurture your marriage, you might enjoy reading an interview with Drs. John & Julie Gottman, world renowned experts on relationships.  In this interview they explain the difference between the “Masters & Disasters of Love” based on 4 decades of research.    link to interview.